I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
