My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
