Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
