You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This baby is an asshole
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
