Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
