it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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