I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
