A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
