Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
