My liver just broke up with me...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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