Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
