in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
