Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
