Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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