I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
