I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
