he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
