it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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