return my video game
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
