im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
