You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
