You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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