Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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