I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
