good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
