ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Operation Purity has been aborted
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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