When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
