Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
