I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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