i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
