After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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