Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
