tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
