I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
