and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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