Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
