you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
