I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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