Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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