My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
