so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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