So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
