he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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