Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
