I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
