all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
