So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
