If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
