you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
