I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
