Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
