Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
