my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
