my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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