Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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