Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
