Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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