He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
