Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
